Dear Bipolar | I Hate You



Having one of those days...but not going to let it get me this time.

Hey everyone!

If you have read my blog for a while now you know that I have a mental illness called Bipolar Disorder, for those not in the know it's a mood disorder that can give you massive highs and miserable lows.  

It can destroy your life, your relationships, everything.  God I am sounding so negative already!! I just wanted to give a relatively quick description of Bipolar Disorder before I start in with how I am feeling now. 

I have decided the best way to describe how I am feeling mentally right now is to write it in the form of a letter to my disorder,  I don't usually share my thoughts on this very often but I felt like I should tonight, more to get it out of my head than anything else.  Here we go...

*WARNING....THIS DOES GET A LITTLE INTENSE*

Dear Bipolar

It's me again, just thought I would drop you a quick note on how my head is right now.  I know you don't like it when I talk about how I am feeling, in fact you despise it, you always want me to keep to myself when I am feeling low and I know you want me alone and scared, you love that.

You hate my family, you make sure that I am constantly paranoid of them, you try to make me think strange things like they are trying to hurt me or trying to suffocate me.  I fight you as hard as I can with that and sometimes I lose, and the emotional fallout is hard for my family.

I actually left the house today Bipolar, I even gave people eye contact and smiled, I was so scared of your reaction that I got my head down after that and wouldn't look at anyone, please why do you do this to me!  I just want to make friends and you wont let me, you destroy every opportunity.

I'm also thinking about all the good times we have had! When we have stayed up for days planning all the things we were going to do, fly to Australia! Fly to America and go backpacking!  But all I had in the bank was money for the food shop, lets spend that anyway!! Even more days with no sleep, I start to feel like I can't slow down, scratching my face and rocking trying anything to slow down, taking a sharp blade and cutting myself trying to take away the mania and the pain at the same time.

I fucking hate that you make me do this over and over again, dragging it up my arm, just scratches at first, then deeper and deeper until I am bleeding, why do you hate me so much to do this?!?!

Then the darkest days, the days you tell me that there is no point in going on, that everyone hates me and would be so much better off.  You actually make what sound like rational arguements in my head "Rachel they will be so much happier without you" and "Nobody really cares so why go on" and then you get the feeling off...why go on anyway?  When you do this to me bipolar I feel like your killing me piece by piece anyway.

On to the medication I have to take to keep you under some sort of control!  I have so many medicines, I take 8 different tablets that are just dedicated to your care, just for you!  They make you numb, its even hard to react sometimes in social situations to bad news without looking nonplussed, I must state its rare that I am in those situations now anyway.

The Lithium is killing my teeth one by one, making my skin break out in psorasis in places you would never think it would break out!  I need to tell you tho Bipolar....I do think this medication really does help control you, I dread to think of life without Lithium.

So Bipolar I have decided to tell you to go fuck yourself, I know this momentary courage will only last against you for a little bit, but I can enjoy this moment!  A part of me wishes I could get rid of you but if it meant another person suffering with this I couldn't do it.

As the picture above says, I am disobeying you. Kiss my fat arse.


Raych


If you or a member of your family are suffering with mental health issues, there are plenty of good websites to help, my personal favourite is called Mind and the link is here

I promise I'll be back to beauty posts now, I just had to get that all out.

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