Those feelings that won't go away...Warning! Words all over the place in this post!
I am sat here in bed trying to decide what to say..you know when you really want to talk and open up but there is a wall there preventing you from doing so?? Well I am feeling like that at the moment. If you read my blog regularly (thankyou) you will know I have Bipolar Disorder, I have talked about it before in a few posts, I never wanted to really go into much depth about my thoughts and feelings as I wanted to keep this a positive place with one of my most favourite things in the world..makeup :)
Right now I am feeling trapped in a hamster ball, going over the same thoughts and feelings over and over again, not able to run away from them, and at the moment my thoughts revolve around suicide, now wait before you think anything about that, suicide idealation is nothing new to me I have these little "funks" where the idea of suicide seems so much more appealing than living..in the midst of these thoughts I usually get a shout of "Mum! my xbox isn't working" or a text or phone call of friends or my mother.
Once that shout or phone call comes, I am back to being mum or daughter again and the thoughts are at the back of my mind...but they are still there. Then once everything calms down and you go back into your hamster wheel of pain it all starts over again..
This is strange for me talking about it while I'm in my funk, never done that before now...I can feel the wheel slowing down as I'm writing this, the pain subsiding and the idea of suicide seems to no longer have any type of relief for me.
I apologise to people reading this and thinking "What on earth is she talking about" Maybe I am wrong about posting something so morbid and personal on a public blog, but talking about it, about the process of my thoughts, has made them lessen...and if this post can do that for me, I am glad I wrote it!
I am still sat in bed, crying a bit now and wondering if I should hit Publish...
If any of you have feelings and thoughts like this, don't keep them inside you to eat away at your mind...